Personal Boundaries

by Ivan L. Mancinelli-Franconi, Ph.D

The concept of “Personal Boundaries” is not a new concept nor can it be attributed to one particular theorist. The idea that we have boundaries and have to honor them has been around for thousands of years. Some theorists claim that Buddha, Jesus of Nazareth, and other founders of religious movements taught in their doctrines the setting of boundaries for a healthy life. 

The primordial duty of the human mind and body is to protect itself against unwanted stimuli.  This can only be achieved by understanding our needs, our discomfort, and our reaction towards self-preservation. It is not only our right, but also our duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

As children, our parents, relatives, and teachers set the boundaries for us, and they center on safety issues and on protecting our physical, emotional and physiological needs.  As we mature, we must be taught to understand the need of protecting ourselves during our interactions with others. We do this by learning what our own healthy limits and boundaries are, and by saying, “NO” when others are hurting us or violating our safety.  We also need to learn to be sensitive to the feedback others give us about our interactions with them.  Often we are not aware of the hurt we cause others, even though it may not be intentional. Therefore, healthy boundaries include a willingness to listen to what others are telling us about how our behavior affect them.

We cannot have healthy relationships with people who do not respect who we are--those are people who have no boundaries, who cannot communicate in a healthy, honest and direct manner.  We must also be able to do the same for others.

The concept of personal boundaries focuses on loving ourselves. That is something we usually have to learn in order to build a strong foundation for a healthy assertive personality to flourish.  If we cannot love ourselves enough to respect others, we cannot expect people to return that love in a healthy way. Boundaries define of our personal space, whether it is spiritual, physical, emotional, or sexual, and set the limits as to how close a person can come into our lives.

The concept of personal space was first postulated by Edward T. Hall, the father of kinesics, or body language, and he is also the man who coined the concept of proxemics or social distance.  In his book, The Hidden Dimension (1966), Hall describes the subjective dimensions surrounding us and the physical distances we establish to keep other people away from us in accordance to agreed-upon cultural norms.

Some theorists believe the amygdala, found in the inner part of the brain, might be responsible for  activating people's strong reactions to personal space intrusions. People who have a damaged amygdala do not have these strong reactions to space intrusion (Higgins, E. T., Vookles, J., & Tykocinski, 0.1992).

A person with healthy boundaries has a higher sense of self-esteem,  higher self-confidence and a healthier self-concept.  Our   parents’ influence on us as we grow up also affects our self esteem ( Coopersmith, 1967).  Our level of self-esteem affects our performance (Coopersmith (1967), and although  self-esteem might fluctuate, we may continue to believe good things about ourselves despite evidence to the contrary. This is known as the ”perseverance effect” ( Miller and Ross, 1975). 

Healthy people with healthy boundaries have healthy self-esteem and they are  also more aware of the reality  around them and within them. These people are usually skilled at communicating with others and are likely to have more fulfilling interpersonal relationships because they have greater control over their lives.

Unhealthy boundaries include a much larger list of inappropriate behavior. Some of these common behaviors include pleasing others before taking care of our own needs first. Some even sacrifice their own personal values to please others and feel guilty when they say “no.” Others cannot fill your needs nor should they. They cannot define who you are--you alone can do that (Coppola, 2011).

“Mouth Management” is an art we all need to master to be good at setting boundaries. What comes out of our mouth reveals our emotional state or mood, and above all the level of trust another person can count on. The gossper, the busy-body, and the tattle-tale are people who cannot keep confidences. These are people who need to learn to manage their mouths because they not only lack a sense of boundaries, but are also highly toxic and unpredictable.

Our modern American culture has to some extent overreacted in this need for boundaries. This is seen in people who manipulate--although they say they are setting boundaries--and the result is that they have infringed upon the personal rights of others.  The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is that when we set a boundary, we tell people what we believe is acceptable and what is not, but also we need to respect other people’s boundaries.

The idea of self-actualization, as proposed by Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow, hinges upon reaching the pinnacle of human experiences at the end of the journey to self-fulfillment. It goes without saying that we have to overcome many obstacles and set healthy boundaries to reach the top.  Carl Rogers believed that to achieve self-actualization we have to have congruence, which occurs  when our ideal self and actual experience are consistent or similar to each other. Therefore it is important to have a healthy self-concept, self esteem, and total control of our boundaries so we can reach the highest level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, self-actualization.

References:

Coopersmith, S. (1967). The antecedents of self-esteem. San Francisco: Freeman.

Coppola, D (2011) When I say no, I feel guilty. Retrieved from http://denniscoppolalifecoaching.com

Higgins, E. T., Vookles, J., & Tykocinski, 0. (1992). Self and health: How "patterns" of self-beliefs predict types of emotional and physical.

Rogers, C. (1959). A Theory of Therapy, Personality and Interpersonal Relationships as Developed in the Client-centered Framework. In (ed.) S. Koch, Psychology: A Study of a Science. Vol. 3: Formulations of the Person and the Social Context. New York: McGraw Hill.